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Post by subtlecollision on Dec 9, 2007 10:28:44 GMT -5
I wrote this as an assignment for class. It was supposed to be Emily thingyinson-like, using unconventional writing. Any criticism would be helpful. Hope for the Hopeless
There exists…
sound IN silence, pleasure IN sorrow, joy IN tears…
delight IN fright, comfort IN novelties, youth IN years…
satisfaction IN hunger, freedom IN confession, justice IN wrath…
morals IN sin, ambition IN obsession, life IN death.
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Liz
Experienced Writer
"But how can love be unrighteous when I feel so right saying that I love you?"
Posts: 102
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Post by Liz on Dec 9, 2007 16:52:42 GMT -5
Hmmm....I really like it. It's very unconventional, so good job. I especially like the 'pleasure IN sorrow,' 'joy IN tears,' and 'satisfaction IN hunger.' Oh, and 'morals IN sin' is really cool too. I dunno...I really like all of it...
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Post by Catherine on Dec 15, 2007 0:18:09 GMT -5
ok I love this. a lot. and I agree with everything Liz said: I really liked the ones you chose as your favourites, too.
only one thing that sort of made me mentally trip when i read this: I didn't like how 'delight IN fright' rhymes. i feel that the exactness of that rhymes sets up an idea about the rhyme pattern which then isn't completed... does that make any sense?? and can I use the word 'rhyme' a little bit more often in one sentence?? haha
but I loved it. very poignant.
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Post by subtlecollision on Dec 16, 2007 17:58:58 GMT -5
Thanks a lot, guys. I thought I'd post something to sort of revive this forum. It's pretty easy to forget it's about writing.
I was really having trouble with the sin one. Yeah, I agree about 'delight in fright.' I'm not sure what I should change it to, though. Maybe 'thrill'?
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jane
Experienced Writer
I want adventure in the great wide somewhere....
Posts: 77
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Post by jane on Dec 16, 2007 19:22:12 GMT -5
wow...that was really great. sorry I don't have any criticism....tehe. but it reminds me of this song by the band Nickel Creek, (check them out they are amaaaazing!!) because the lyrics are similar.
"Hanging By A Thread"
There's a kind of emptiness that can fill you There's a kind of hunger that can eat you up There's a cold and darker side of the moonlight And there's a lonely side of love
[Chorus] With you here Baby I am strong No sign of weakness With you gone Baby I am hanging by a thread
There's a certain kind of pain that can numb you There's a type of freedom that can tie you down Sometimes the unexplained can define you And sometimes the silence is the only sound
and I have always loved these lyrics because they are very poetic. and you guys both did the same sort of word play.
tooooo coooool for schooooooool
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Post by subtlecollision on Jan 11, 2008 20:09:39 GMT -5
Thanks, jane. I've never heard of that song, but I'll have to check it out.
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