'Embraced By Death'

[Brighitta]

- up to 500 words

I'm leaving it open for you guys; there's just the word limit. Enjoy!

[subtlecollision]

Goodness, I enjoy these challenges. Very helpful in getting the mind churning.

Embraced by Death

I know he is going to kill me. As I sit in his lap and run my fingers through his oily hair, I marvel at how foolish I was to marry him. He is death. The last couple leaves, tired and disappointed, for New Year’s Eve is over. The antique clock chimes four times, and I wonder where my body will lay at the next four o’ clock.

I bid goodnight to the Ramseys, and the husband, far from sober, waves his hands wildly in the air and lets his wife steer him away. She chuckles, returns the compliment, and I light a cigarette.

Familiar and satisfying, the first puffs raise my spirits. They glide through the air and soon disappear. My disappearance will not be as subtle.

“Come here,” he growls and I comply, smelling the liquor on his breath.

It has been this way for a month now. Feverish passion overcomes him one moment and pretentious disgust the next. He is as fickle as an actor in those colorless movies of the day who sometimes portray a criminal and other times a gentleman. But he is not acting.

I cannot escape. He would prevent a divorce; thus, I press my lips against his and await my death. Looking into his dark eyes, I wonder where my love is, who hides when the poison enters. Is there no flowerbed, littered with milky carnations, deep within the haunted forest? If so, no petals or stems remain as evidence.

“It was a nice party,” I say.

He only nods, but then he decides to add, “I didn't care much for the guests.”

“No, I suppose you wouldn't,” I instantly regret my words.

“Why not?”

“Why, you don’t know any of them.”

He stares at me, “I know all their names.”

“But you don’t,” I say timidly, “Know how very virtuous they are.”

“People have no virtue! Especially you!” he suddenly roars and withdraws the silver revolver.

“I loved you more than anything and you, without virtue, went and committed crimes and-- and who knows what else? For God’s sake, you kissed another woman at midnight!” I shrieked.

The revolver feels cold against my forehead. I do not yell; I only sink into his arms for the last time. His spindly fingers dry the tears in my eyes.

“I loved you,” I say.

The pain is overwhelming, and yet I cling to his embrace.

402 words. Does it seem a bit overdramatic?

[Brighitta]

Apart from the over-use of 'virtue' (it also sounded a bit...pompous), it was a good piece. Atomospheric, and well written.

[subtlecollision]

Oh thank-you. Yes, I must agree. I was struggling with that word. The more I think about this story, the more I dislike it.... I'm not really sure why, though.

[victoria]

I love challenges like these, but as I haven't had any chance to write much for the last two years (d**n college...) I realized that my brain has dried out So I decided to give it a shot anyway. And here it is:

Maria gazed out the window, sitting in a chair with her feet pulled up and her father's big coat wrapped around her. As the door opened behind her she didn't move, just sat there while her sobbing parents thanked the doctor and then moved towards her. Her father put his big arms around her and lifted her to her feet, while her mother looked into her eyes and smiled. Leading her to the car they tried to calm her down with comforting words, but she wasn't listening. If anyone needed comforting, it was them. She was already at peace with what was growing inside of her. They helped her get into the car and on the drive back to their house, Maria could see them fight hard to keep back their tears. She looked at her father in the mirror with wonderment. Fathers were strong, invincible, nothing could break her father! Yet here he was, crying because of her.

As the sun set they drove into the driveway, and before the stars were fully emerged, she was safely in her bed. She felt tired and lay completely still as she watched her mother walk in and out of the room, and finally settling down beside her bed. «Tell you what» she said with a warm smile. «Tomorrow we'll go down to the pier and buy ice cream, feed the birds, go riding on the beach, and watch the sunset from the cliff you love so much». Maria nodded and smiled back, and her mother closed her eyes and fell asleep almost instantly. It had been a long day. Maria watched her and thought about the perfect day that her mother had planned for them in the morning. It was all of her favourite things, and she couldn't think of a better way to spend the last day of her life.

As she gazed out the window at the stars she suddenly felt warm, as if something invisible was embracing her. Suddenly panicking she realized that she wasn't going to survive the night. She stared at her mother again, who was sound asleep. Unable to make a sound, she felt the life drain out of her as she thought about the perfect day that would never be, and of her mother which she would never say goodbye to. She closed her eyes and felt a tear running down her cheek. «I'm sorry, mama» she whispered as her heart gave up and she could feel no more.

Word-count: 415


And it is, by far, the worst thing I have ever written!! Feel free to be very critical Hopefully my brain will be a little more functioning in the next challenge I do:P

[Catherine]

Okay, so the story line was not the freshest thing I've ever read, but I think the way it was written was amazing. I really felt it. It was so calm and peaceful and so absolutely sad. I thought it was fantastic writing.

[victoria]

Really? Thanks a lot That was not the feedback I was expecting, hehe. Thanks

[subtlecollision]

I, as well, like your writing. I only think the problem is the challenge. Had the word limit been higher, than you could develop the story more and it would not seem quite so 'unoriginal.' I like the idea and the word choice you used for the imagery, but I think you could really expand on it with more words. The way you used the title for your plot is really unique. I think the ending is a bit over-dramatic, but it's good. Better than mine.

[victoria]

Thanks a lot! ;D Wow, I didn't expect to get such good feedback! I know, the ending is way over the top, but I love to write really dramatic endings, hehe. But thanks, your words have all been taken to heart

I think your story is really good too It really takes a hold of you when you read it, and I held my breath at the end. I really liked your ending.